Pre-agent Literary Consultant to author at a booksellers’ wine tasting event

Consultant: Good evening. As I can see by your credentials and query letter, you’re a well-educated, articulate, experienced, thoughtful, very busy and consequently, literary network-impaired author, looking for a pre-agent literary consultant to aid you in finding the right literary agent, who will graciously consider reviewing your work, and if she or he finds it marketable, while knowing personal and public tastes are subjective, help you find a publisher, who in turn, upon acceptance of your work, will electronically and/or print publish and market your book at their expense. 

Author: Needless to say.